Overcoming mom guilt

Mom guilt – a universal experience that often leaves mothers second-guessing themselves – is a subject co-hosts Stefanie Davis and Jacky Merola of The Shift podcast and partners of the strategic consulting agency, Feel Good & Co know all too well. Speaking candidly, they unpack the reality of mom guilt, its origins, and how to tackle it with grace and perspective.

What is mom guilt?

Stef defines mom guilt as “that nagging feeling that you’re falling short of some impossible standard. It often shows up when you’re doing something that doesn’t seem directly tied to your kids or, at least, what you think you should be doing for them.” For her, the workplace and social media have been significant sources of this guilt, especially when advertising perpetuates unrealistic ideals of motherhood.

Jacky describes it as “a little knot in your stomach telling you you’re falling short as a parent.” She likens it to an extra layer of mental load, one that sneaks in when mothers try to prioritise themselves or something other than their children.

Both agree that mom guilt feeds off comparisons, whether from social media, societal pressures, or even personal expectations. It thrives in silence and isolation, which is why openly addressing it is essential.

Strategies for overcoming mom guilt

The road to overcoming mom guilt begins with mindset shifts and connection. Stef highlights the power of talking to other mothers. “When you open up and share, you realise we’re all navigating the same messy, chaotic and nowhere near perfect reality,” she says. Letting go of unrealistic expectations has also been key: “The ‘perfect mom’ is a myth. Yes, I said it. It doesn’t exist.”

For Jacky, the breakthrough came when she stopped comparing herself to other mothers. “Now, I’ve learned to ask myself one simple question: Am I doing my best? And if the answer is yes – even on Frankenmeal nights (where you throw leftovers together to create a meal) – then that’s good enough.” She also emphasises the importance of giving yourself grace, viewing parenting as a learning process rather than a perfection exercise.

Societal expectations and cultural norms

Both Stef and Jacky agree that societal expectations heavily contribute to mom guilt. Stef points to the polished, unattainable version of motherhood often portrayed in advertising. “It’s all about the flawless mom with the immaculate home, serving picture-perfect meals while juggling it all with ease,” she explains. “The truth? Mornings are chaotic. Bedtime is a battlefield. Being a mom is hard, messy, and far from the polished image we’re sold.”

Jacky adds that the societal checklist for a “perfect mom” is both exhausting and outdated. “Be present, but also have a career. Be nurturing, but also independent. Stay fit, but don’t be vain. It’s impossible to tick all the boxes.” To challenge these norms, they advocate for open conversations, celebrating wins (big or small), and embracing authenticity.

Balancing careers, family, and self-care

Balance, for both Stef and Jacky, is less about perfection and more about prioritisation. Stef says, “Some days work takes up most of your time, but other days you can carve out more time for your family.” Planning ahead and setting boundaries, like scheduling quality family time or work hours, has been instrumental.

Self-care is non-negotiable. Stef emphasises the importance of guilt-free moments to recharge, whether it’s a walk, a yoga session, or a quiet cup of coffee. Jacky echoes this sentiment, noting that her self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant. “It doesn’t have to be big or fancy, just something that fills my cup.”

Jacky also challenges the traditional idea of balance. “For the longest time, I thought balance meant giving equal time to everything – work, kids, partner, self-care – but that’s just not realistic. What I’ve learned is that balance looks different in different seasons.”

Practical tips for struggling moms

If you’re grappling with mom guilt, Stef offers a powerful reminder: “Guilt doesn’t equal failure. It usually means you care deeply, and that’s something to honour.” Her practical tip? Reach out to a fellow mom. “Sometimes just sharing how you feel and hearing either a bit of validation or even a different perspective can shift your mindset from ‘guilty’ to ‘enough.’”

Jacky adds, “You have enough to do, and enough to carry, to add the burden of mom guilt to the mental load! If you’re doing your best – even if that includes cereal for dinner some days because your own battery is burnt out – that is good enough.”

Reframing negative self-talk

Reframing negative self-talk is a crucial step in overcoming mom guilt. Stef advises mothers to pause when they catch themselves in “I should have…” or “I’m not enough…” moments. “Instead of spiralling, ask: Would I say this to my best friend? The answer is almost always no.” From there, she recommends shifting the narrative to something more compassionate, like “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

Jacky shares wisdom from a veteran mom: “Put on your own oxygen mask first.” For her, this means doing things that nourish her soul, even if they feel uncomfortable at first.

Finding support and resources

Both Stef and Jacky underscore the importance of community. Whether it’s local mom groups, online forums, or close friends, having a supportive network can make a world of difference. Stef hopes The Shift podcast will be part of this community, providing a safe space for mothers to normalise their feelings and navigate their journey together.

Jacky recommends therapy as a space to unpack guilt and gain perspective. She also finds value in books and podcasts that focus on real, messy parenting, which serve as a reminder that no one has it all figured out – and that’s perfectly okay.